miss me?

1. yes, i am alive (read: barely alive)
2. i'll write something compelling and rich at some point this weekend since all of my plans for another invigorating weekend of physical activity outdoors has been waylayed by rain. it will be entertaining and will give you a renewed faith in me as a person on the planet (or something like that)

please standby. thank you in retrospect for your patience.

in the meantime, there are rumors that Joaquin Pheonix will be rapping at a bar nearby. if you're not busy doing anything else right now, pray that it's true. otherwise, get enough PBR tallboys in me and i'll be rapping.

the fall-out, or more specifically, the lack thereof

i spend a significant amount of time tonight trying to figure out how to follow up my previous post with some context. commentary on how i felt when i clicked over to the 'Google Mail - Inbox(1) - hoppsterblog@gmail.com' tab, expecting to find a compelling offer from AirTran Airways Net Escapes or Overstock.com, and finding that e-mail staring back.

but as hard as i've try to produce an emotion. i got none.

i'm all out.

i had thought of that moment, in passing sometimes. but never really expected it to happen. afterall, i put the full-stop on that relationship with 'please don't call or e-mail me anymore'. i never truly expected that would be interpreted as, 'e-mail me in 2 months on valentine's day, please.'

not that the particular e-mail in question was weighted with any emotion from which to conjure a response. i've crafted more thoughtful e-mails to get an appointment with my gynecologist.

i thought there would've been something. shortness of breath. tears welling behind my eyes. nausea. vomiting.

i could barely muster a pained look on my face.

even phone calls to my friends, trying to pull emotion out of them since my own reaction was seriously failing to live up to my expectations, left me feeling flat.

i was even bored by Hannah's suggestion to threaten a restraining order. clearly that isn't warranted in this situation, but i couldn't even get mad enough to want to.

i have literally nothing to say.

and i've never been so happy to be speechless in my life.

e-mail: archived.

the end.

Subject: Hey!

To: hoppsterblog@gmail.com
From: muscleman@douchebagonwheels.com
Date: Saturday, February 14, 2009, 11:37AM
Subject: Hey!

How are you? We ought to get together soon for lunch or something...

Hope you're doing great!

MM

sent from mobile device

...

discuss.

(i archived the e-mail immediately. have yet to respond.)

ode to both sides of my bed

today's blog post coming atchya with a side of bacon

i have decided i should start dating again.

i like how i say that like i made a conscious effort to not date. like opportunities presented themselves, and i was like 'naw, i'm cool.'

i have been single for pretty much 6 months now. albeit i was still accidentally sleeping with MM until 2 months ago, but its about time i stop pretending like i just got dumped and start acting like i'm ready to have my heart broken again.

i am not desperate for a relationship. i'm not on the prowl. i don't get all dressed up to go out hoping tonight will be the night i meet 'mr. right now'. i can barely convince myself to go out at all. i enjoy my free time. almost to an extent that is worrying. sometimes i go out just so i can come home an re-appreciate the quiet.

other reasons i enjoy being a party of one:

1. i have become fond of both sides of my bed, and now cherish each for there separate purposes: the right side for when i want to take sleeping very seriously; the left for early morning napping, dozing and reading.

3. i don't have to consider someone else's feelings before i change the channel on tv.

4. i don't have to make up excuses as to why i don't want to hang out with my friends in a way that doesn't make them think i'm becoming 'one of those girls' who abandons all their friendships immediately following the first date. (instead i have to make up excuses as to why i don't want to hang out with my friends so they don't think i've become a recluse. oh, but i have.)

5. i don't have to feel bad about expelling all of the deepest and darkest and most embarrassing parts of our relationship in my weblog to people all over the internets.

6. no one is a better driver than me.

7. it is perfectly acceptable for me to go to concerts and let strangers man-handle me (or lovingly stroke my hair)

8. i can donate the portion of my disposable income that was set aside for razors, shaving cream, waxing, etc. to all of my new hobbies (ie. the ridiculously expensive road bike i am about to buy)

9. if i feel like eating nothing but brussel sprouts for a full week straight, well by god i'm going to do it.

10. lady gaga 'just dance' is my new favorite song and i am going to play it on repeat for at least 2 car rides a day. if i trade it off with anything, it would be 'poker face.'


this song is what 'genie in a bottle' always hoped it could be

11. also, i won't have to avoid any of the songs i love right now later because they 'remind me of him' or 'that one time in the car when we drove to target so i could pick up the new Orla Keily plates but then we ended up getting a bagless vacuum for him instead.'

12. i can get have legit bangs. and even if i don't like them, and no one else really does either, other people will say they do, but no one will see what they really look like in the morning before 15 minutes with a flat iron and an exercise in patience.

13. the fact that i didn't have toilet paper (or kleneex) at my house for 3 full days is something that only bothers me. yes, i had to make the tough decision as to whether or not it was worth the risk of clogging my pipes and using paper towels or holding it until i got to the office, but at least no one else had to know about it.

14. i can spend a whole night recording my voice in Garage Band over 'instrumental' versions of my favorite songs, and then craigslist 'female vocalist wanted' like i have potential.

15. i have made it 6 months (or 2, depending on whether you go by metric or imperial) and i have neither shriveled up nor died of loneliness. if i have done it once, i can do it again, dammit. and that's something very few women in my family can say.

there were times back when i was making new years resolutions (which never happened, bee tee dub), that i said i would resolve to be single for all of 2009. turns out, however, that i am a girl that believes in fate. that people are brought together for a reason. and eventually that reason is for keeps. and who i am i to put on my hater blockers to fate?

...

in other news, my married-guy-friend at work is trying to set me up with one of his good friends. he's at least 10 years older than me. obviously, i'm interested.

harry potter and the chamber of full-blood princesses, part deux

so you met the characters in the following story a few days ago. and by now you on the edge. of. your. seat. waiting to find out what the heck is going to happen now.

will HP and Voldemort get into fisticuffs over Hermione, or even better, me? will Hermione grow a personality and become my best friend? will Volde take a shower? or clean his clothes?

all of the above are strong possibilities, but i guess you'll just have to read on to find out.

...

so obviously, HP and I had a great time that one night.

and then thanksgiving came. and went. exchanges between the two of us were cordial, flirtatious, light.

eventually he started talking about 'we'. 'we' saw that movie. 'we' started helping innercity kids at this community center. 'we' did this. 'we' did that. the only problem was, the other half of 'we' was not 'me'.

the more 'we-ing' that was going on, the more it was becoming the elephant in the room. clearly he was 'we-ing' out with someone else, someone that he didn't want me to know too many specifics about.

i finally asked one day.

'oh, just my friend Hermione' he said.


oh, okay. your friend. you have lots of friends that also happen to be girls. oh yeah, i remember her, from the 4th of july party you brought me to. the one where i knew no one, and there was a nazi with a clipboard bossing us through beer olympics until it wasn't fun anymore. wait, Hermione was the one with the clipboard? didn't she also have a whistle? man she was bossy. i mean...that's cool, she seems...fun.

after that her name kept coming up. with a frequency that was making me uneasy.

true, i didn't expect our one night make out sesh to turn into a 3 year LTR, but maybe i did. at the very least, i did not expect him to be full-blown seeing someone else. that would be ridiculous. anyone in a for-serious relationship would not take another girl to a show on a random thursday night. that simply would not make sense. if he was dating someone else he wouldn't be having nights like that with the likes of me.

and if he was dating someone else, he would at least choose someone that could match, if not beat, me in a witt-off.

i felt like an idiot. and mostly, a very silly girl. afterall, regardless of what i tell you or anyone else, that night meant something to me. and if it didn't turn into anything else, at least i wanted to hold that one night sacred. and i hoped that he would. after all, there were very good reasons for the story to end there, but i at least wanted it to end purely. perfectly. not knowing that at the same time as we were out choreographing dances...with our tongues...there was someone else, texting him, just to check in.

he probably told her i was Ron Weasley, when really i was me.

i put pieces together, from the fragments of understanding floating around the workplace. everyone knew they hung out in more-than-friends capacity. but everyone also new he avoided the g-word like the plague. regardless of the holes in stories and gray lines, i went ice cold. i took many steps back. i went professional relationship on his ass.

i felt betrayed. obviously. mostly because i thought the world of him. and didn't want to have to change my way of thinking. and because i thought he thought enough of the world of me to at least keep me out of a mess like that.

and then he brought her to the company holiday party (ctrl + f + 'bfwii'). slapintheface #1. but obviously me being the classy lady that i am (no laughter there please), took it all in stride. read: held dullest dialog in life - no really, i wrote about it there.


then he brought her to the sunday wedding of one of our coworkers (that was held at a bar, read: my ideal wedding). and invited me over to his new house beforehand to pre-game the wedding (afterall, it was at a bar). a pre-game of three - HP, Hermione and me. slapintheface #2. i was honestly relieved when Volde showed up to relieve the pressure.

to shorten the story, he spent the majority of the evening bouncy balling between the two of us. he would bounce over to her, and become uber-dull not-boyfriend. and bounce over to me and become uber-fun, dancing with me, taking a zillion photos in the photobooth with me, trying to convince me to Blue Light with him, etc. then bounce back. it went on like that until she decided he was too drunk, and took him home.

by too drunk, she meant kissing my cheek.

the photos from the night are priceless. truly. and only serve as evidence to the relationship that should be. and the one that shouldn't.

i have seen the look his eyes shone on me in those photographs only once before. MM looked at another girl that way. and that was when i knew before i knew that it was the end. 2 days later, it was over.

so why am i bringing this story out of the woodwork now? mostly because i am ready for some neutral party perspective (well, as neutral as a party can be after being won over the by the magic of the previous 1,000 words).

recently i have maintained a cordial distance. no one-on-one hanging out. no texting outside of work. minimal gchatting inside the workplace. etc. i guess you could say i am 'waiting it out'. 'letting him come to me'. 'going batshit crazy'. whichever way you want to phrase it.

but now what? the elephant is still very much in the room. and i can't stomach more faux friend outings or encounters with Hermione. i can't be the other girl. but i also can't walk away from something that is so right i can't understand why it isn't. i can't ignore the potential.

but i cant just stay in limbo either. i mean it happened. it is still happening, in little ways, all the time.

and the worst part is that i feel bad for the girl. because she is soooo to HP what i was to MM. easy. available. demanding nothing, but also getting nothing. sitting by patiently, thinking that just because he's got his arm around you, he doesn't mean it when he says he doesn't want to 'get serious'. and when he breaks her heart, he will break her. and he will never know the breadth or depth.

as much as the girl underwhelms me to tears, my heart can't help but break a little for her, every time he grabs my hand and runs off to do another keg stand at his Super Bowl party.

...oh wait...thats like chapter 3.

anyway, i think i brought this all up because i wanted your advice. so bring it on bitches. i'm not sure on what part really. but probably just waiting for someone to kick me in the babymaker and say 'eff HP, and his magic flying broomstick thingy' or maybe 'wait it out, if its meant to be, it will be', or 'wait, has Volde showered yet?' (answer: no).

....

in other news, i almost accidentally took a roadtrip to nashville on the tour bus of the opening band from the country concert i went to on saturday night. rock of love bus you've got nothing on me. i also let a stranger feel on my booty from the first riff of the second set to the last cymbal crash of the encore. i don't know his name. he doesn't know mine. i'd call that a first perfect date.