april has been good to us and goodbyes.

it shouldn't hurt.

i didn't like him anyways. right?

but then he walked on the outside, the side where the cars come and jump the curb. he would get hit first. he had no reason other than something his father taught him as a child in Brazil, but he would risk his life to protect mine, given the choice. and he told me he hoped our kids had my eyes. i was ready to talk about the future like "we" would exist in it to escape the present, nothing but a waiting room for an appointment i haven't made yet.

i hoped our kids had his nose. and his skin, the kind of olive that turns bronze at the first touch of spring.

keyword: understated. courtesy of lepiaf.geo

he would take care of me. wash under my arms and put his hand on the place where my backbone was getting weak. run his fingers through my hair until he fell asleep first.

so instead, i got mad. because that's what i did before and it seemed to work. i got mad at nothing at all, but i was very hurt and offended by it. i made him feel small, because i felt smaller. he has the whole world in his purview. i have the distance between tear stained pillows and the office with a door and a window.

he said, 'wait for me,' and i am still considering complying. but only if he'll teach me Portuguese, and doesn't get mad when i leave my clothes on the bathroom floor or if i decide to keep my bangs through the summer.

here i am with a heart i never expected to be holding and another one broken. shattered a little bit more every time we've said goodbye like it was the last time.

april has been good to us and goodbyes.