presenteeism

its 12:11am.

i should be asleep, because right now is the time that i do the only other thing i do besides go to work: sleep.

in 6 hours i'll wake up and do. it. all. over. again.

i am completely underwhelmed by the fact that i am overwhelmed at work. there are not enough hours in the day, there are not enough hands, or brains, or gigabites in my memory card.

i am 23 burnt out, almost praying to be fired because i'm doing a bad enough job to warrant it, but so busy doing a good enough job is essentially impossible.

i am at my 'dream job', that gives me nightmares every night.

i have lost my personality to deadlines and crop marks and em dashes and inbox(234). lost my friends to line breaks and paper stock and typefaces. lost my passion to client feedback and re-grouping and getting on the same page.

i dream only of work, and the things i forgot to do yesterday, and can't forget to do today. i sit straight up from a dead sleep because of an e-mail abandoned in my draft folder, or a comma left out of a sentance.

i walk on eggshells and try to keep my game face on.

i avoid calls from my family.

i avoid the truth.

i should be thankful to be one of the few people employed. and not just employed. busy. but even writing this the words seem jumbled, trains of thought wandering back to production schedules and invoices and trying to keep everyone from realizing i have no effing clue what i'm doing.

i should be thankful for every day that i don't have to ask myself: what is it that i could be doing that would really make me happy? times and economies like these aren't about being happy.

they're about holding your breath as long as possible underwater so the pressure doesn't kill you before the smoke clears.