blue light, with a side of special

so i really left you with quite the intriguing cliff hangar in last nights post, huh? okay, so i probably just moderately piqued your interest. but i should pull you up off that cliff anyways, i suppose.

you have met the protagonist of this story before. he has appeared here, here and my personal favorite, here. by now you guys are practically old friends. just like we are. it's BFWII. (i am starting to hate that pseudonym, by the way, and am considering a change, especially if the likelihood of him appearing in more future posts continues to increase).

it all started the way every storybook romance starts. with a dirty rumor.

i had been out of touch with my former colleague and favorite designer friend. we hadn't exchanged communiques in over a month. i shot her a quick e-mail just to check in. the response i received was unexpected, to say the least:

to: hoppster
from: Design Diva
date: last tuesday

things are good. the baby is a wonderful terror. also, what is this i hear about you dating BFWII????? HMMMMMMMM? and you haven't told me? bad hoppster. bad bad hoppster. lets catch up, immediately.

design diva.

first of all, her baby really is a darling. and a terror.

second of all, excuse me??? since when has a few plutonic nights out equalled dating?

i called her immediately to get to the bottom of this. as it turns out, during coffee with another ex-colleague of ours, he happened to mention that he had heard BFWII and i 'were dating, but aren't anymore'.

dang, that's one mighty specific rumor. because not only does it refer to an imaginary relationship that i have not had, but to that imaginary relationship also coming to a very specific end.

i think i would've had a memory of a break up, if not the relationship itself, right? there would've been at minimum three blog posts related to being dumped by anyone, let alone someone i didn't even know i was dating to begin with. yes, i certainly would've remembered the break up, if not the relationship itself.

i quickly clarified with Design Diva that no, BFWII and i had not dated. and then started to consider where the heck this dirty little rumor that is now making its way around the 'biz' could have come from.

my first thought was, hmmm, maybe he considers the few nights out that we have had 'dating'. but when you are dating don't you like, kiss or something? isn't that one of the benefits of 'dating' versus being 'friends'. also, there's the matter of the 'break up'. yeah, we hadn't hung out in a little while, but there was no 'end of the relationship' talk or anything.

my second thought was, well, maybe BFW mentioned to someone that he and i had been hanging out outside of work. and someone misconstrued that as dating.

regardless of where it came from, this little rumor got into my head. i was suddenly disappointed not only that BFWII and i were not in fact dating, outside of the rumor mill, but i was even more disappointed that our not real relationship had ended.

why had it ended? what had i done? why was i not good enough? and wait, why aren't we dating?

we weren't dating. but the rest of that day we were certainly flirting. and the rest of the next day as well. including the part where he told me he won mates of state tickets on the radio at lunch, and would i like to come along? why, yes, of course i would.

so it was set. we were going out together thursday night. the rumor seeped even fruther underneath my skin. i spent the next 24 hours invisioning the night. there would be drinking. a good band (that i just discovered when i returned to my desk that day to find out what exactly i had just said 'yes' to, and so when i got to the show i could convincingly play adoring fan, but serioiusly, they are good, check them out, now, or later, when you're done reading this XL post). and there would be a kiss. i was certain there would be hand holding, and a kiss.

i promised my best friend aurora otherwise*. sitting in the car outside his apartment i was still promising her nothing would happen. it would be a horrible idea. afterall, we work together, in an office of less than 20. there would be no way to keep a relationship secret. it would quickly turn into a relationship with our entire office. and as fun as it would be to have our mutual boss mediating our first fight over whether we should rent iron man or made of honor on friday night (made of honor, of course, since i had suffered through journey to the center of the earth last firday), i don't really want to mesh church and state that much. or would i?

what transpired as soon as i knocked on his door turned out to be one of the best nights of my 2008, to date. no night i had ever had, and then remembered, with Muscle Man had ever been that fun. and carefree.

we got drinks and a basket of tater tots before the show, just to take the edge off. lets remember, i have never been to a show, and lived to remember it. so getting blackout drunk before a show is just my style. but i was taking it on the easy side this particular night. i had a feeling there were parts i would want to remember.

after being appropriately lubricated, we headed over to the show. the opening band was just starting. we had both just discovered mates of state that afternoon, so the opening band meant even less to us, but instead of just standing there at the bar sipping on drinks and staring blankly at the opening band. we took to the crowded and lifeless dance floor. and started dancing. we were the only ones. and we loved it.

we didn't stop dancing until the last chord of mates of state's encore. we even coreographed our own partner dance, that was made up of three steps: the shag, a spin, and me booty dancing up against him. we called it the blue light. i expect you'll be seeing it on dance floors across country any day now. seriously, its hot like 3rd grade square dancing, but hotter and more modern with the booty dancing finale.

i had a smile on my face the entire night.

we escaped just before the rush. i was driving (questionable decision, as always...dammit). i am not exactly sure how the topic came up, but i think it started like this:

him: stop it
me: what?
him: stop it
me: no, really, what?
him: you're just, too great.

yes, apparently even 28 year olds digress to middle school flirting techniques sometimes. okay, often. many times he has taken the middle school route. like when we were fake 'dating' for a sentance. and then we broke up. and then he was begging to get back together. all in one gchat. but i like it.

the conversation quickly turned to why it was a terrible idea for us to date. obviously the only reason being that we worked together. my response:

PSST. it's NO BIG DEAL. i mean, if we both like each other, why the heck not? we can keep it a secret.

convincing. really.

right?

by the time we got back to his house it was settled. dating was a fine idea.

so was making out. on his couch/fouton. for a while.

he tasted like cigarettes. i didn't mind.

even my hair and my fingernails were smiling.

at some point we broke ourselves apart enough for him to decide it was time for bed. not together. no, for me to sleep on his couch. and for him to sleep in his bed.

i tried to use my feminine whiles to coax him into letting me into his bed. but he held strong. i'm not really sure why. but he blamed it on his restlessness and that he'd probably kick me so many times during the night that i could check myself into a battered woman's shelter the next day. and neither of us would want that.

whatever his real reason. i finally gave in. and let him tuck me in on the fouton. i also made him lay down with me so i could kiss him for a few more minutes (hours, maybe?).

when he finally wrangled his way out of my choke hold (i mean, tender embrace), i quickly fell asleep (read: comatosed).

i fell asleep smiling, i awoke smiling.

i krept silently out of his apartment at 7. after all, i needed to go home and shower and change. couldn't very well show up to work in a shirt that smelled like a mixture between his cologne and an ashtray. not really the worst smell in the world. but definitely wreaked of 'walk of shame'.

i didn't wake him. i considered creeping into his room and climbing into bed with him to wake him up with loves tender kiss. but decided against it.

i got home and immediately got back in bed. for some reason, the usual anxiety and fear i have that i will never see the person again, that i will never hear from them again, that it will be super ultra awkward if i accidently run into him/her again, was completely absent.

i got to work before he did. he texted me a few times. asking when i had left. commiserating about his hangover.

when he got in he stopped by my office. and for some reason, it wasn't akward at all when he handed me the earings i didn't remember taking off, or leaving on his coffee table.

we gchatted, per usual, all day. mostly about how much fun the night before was. about how we could improve blue light in the future. and how i couldn't stop smiling.

no awkwardness. only more charm. and me, falling deeply, and dangerously, for this kid.

...

so now what? it has been 4 days since we boldy tested the bounds of the colleage/colleague relationship. and i'm not quite sure where we stand.

friday night he bailed on BFWI's birthday celebration that i was looking forward to seeing him at, claiming exhaustion from the night before.

fair enough. i was exhausted too. and really had to coax myself out of bed after my after-work nap. but i had promised friends i would meet them for dinner and forced myself out of the house.

saturday night i texted him to see if he wanted to go out with caroline and i. he bailed on that also, claiming insufficient funds.

also fair enough. he has been living practically paycheck to paycheck since our company pays its designers slave wages in exhange for resume building.

today at work was normal. ish. we didn't gchat at all. but i did go upstairs and chat with him casually for a bit. totally normal. i mean, we don't have to gchat all day, every day, right?

anyways. point is. i am confused. i meant what i said. but did he? or in the sober light of day did he realize that really, dating a colleague in the microcosom of our office was a very bad idea, afterall.

and as much as i am trying not to go all 'girl' on the situation. i can't help myself.

i know i need to be patient. that another opportunity will present itself. that i can't force this. if it is meant to be it will just happen naturally. or maybe it already is happening, and i just don't know it. maybe he thinks we are dating. now. or maybe he already thought we were dating before.

i don't know how this goes. this being casual stuff.

my last two relationships went from zero to a zillion overnight. we went from strangers to talking every day, multiple times a day, and spending every spare minute together.

it's okay if this is not like that. right?

it also needs to be okay if it really is nothing more than one night of bliss and kissing.

but i hope that it isn't. i really hope that it is more. and not only because i want to be the Pam to his Jim (except less frumpy, more season 5 than seasons 1-4). but because i haven't smiled more than when i am with him. and haven't been less worried about someone breaking my heart.


*by promised i mean, lied, through my teeth, fingers, toes, legs, and eyes crossed, winking uncontrollably

last time i saw you, wasn't your tongue in my mouth?

so last night i was out with some friends at the usual places (that currently bore the shit out of me) and a friend of a friend met us out for a bit, we'll call him Tall Cat (since he is 1. tall and 2. i don't really know much else about him to use as an identifier). i had met Tall Cat once before. at a bar across the street from where we were last night. his ex-girlfriend had been in town visiting him and their mutual friends from college, and staying at his apartment ('on the couch') and was out with us that night. i should also mention now that she was a pretty big fan of mine. i'm not sure why. but she liked me, when she first met me.

well, Tall Cat and i immediately took to each other. he thought it was cool that i was tall. i thought it was cool that he was tall. and he was drunk when he met me, so don't really need much more explanation than that.

we spent the whole night talking, i think. there was also some dancing. mostly me, up against him, while he just stood there, being semi-awkward. and at some point and after more than a few so-co and lime shots were passed around, he decided he was ready to leave, and was bringing me with him.

well by this point i was in no state to make rational decisions. nor was i remembering that his ex-girlfriend was a) right behind me and b) staying with him. i didn't remember, that is, until back at his house, when our make-out session back at his place was rudely interrupted by wild banging on his front door and then even more rudely interrupted by her storming in and screaming at him. then i remembered.

but, ever the peacemaker, i tried to reason with her. 'don't worry', i said to her, 'we're just having a sleepover, nothings happening, i don't even like him, well, i don't know if i like him, since i just met him. we haven't even kissed. it's no big deal, really. psh, no, that isn't his slobber all over my face.' for some reason, this wasn't very convincing. as i retreated back into his room, she gathered her things, continued screaming, then stormed back out, and made another one of their friends come pick her up.

surprisingly unphased by the whole scene, Tall Cat just watched her go, and then picked right back up where he had left off. unhooking my bra through my shirt. it didn't go much farther than that. the alcohol quickly took over and knocked us both out. completely.

i woke up the next morning in his wake forest themed bedroom, still wearing my jeans, top and unhooked bra, my neck hurting from sleeping, no passing out, on his arm and the entire right side of my body completely numb from laying on it all night. he had me in some kind of vice grip/choke hold that he would probably have considered cuddling, but could have been considered bondage, that i somehow managed to weasel my way out of and escape to the other side of the bed, to a cool pillow and free range of motion.

i expected the sober light of day to make things awkward and brief. surprisingly, the morning was much more romantic than the night before. first of all, there was no ex girlfriend screaming and throwing things, which helped a lot. instead there was cuddling, and kissing and more heavy petting and we chatted about our jobs, our families, his new iphone (which at the time was a huge novelty, and turn on). we just layed around in bed, giggling, and watching waynes world on tv.


it wasn't until around 11 that he finally decided it was time to return me home.

i hadn't brought my cell phone out with me that night. i had just broken up with the Brazillian, after a 6 month waste of time relationship, and didn't want to drunk dial him, or the random slew of boys i keep around just for drunk dialing purposes but never actually hang out with. instead, in the interest of safety, and due to my reputation to just randomly wanter off from my friends, i brought a notecard that read 'if found, please call (insert best friends phone number here)'. so i didn't get his phone number, but left mine in his iphone.

things had gone well, in the end. i could get over all of the college paraphenalia decorating his bedroom, and forgive the dirty clothes strewn about on all available surfaces, because afterall, he was tall, and a pretty good kisser. and he had nice eyes, and made me laugh, a little. i hoped he would call. i expected he would.

he didn't.

i didn't see him again until last night. but i did find out shortly after our little tryst that he started dating someone. actually, he may have rekindled with the ex, i'm not sure. but he certainly did not kindle anything with me.

it wasn't long after that i met Muscle Man and completely forgot the whole thing. but seeing him again last night, with only a quick and awkward 'hello' exchanged between us the whole night, i realized, i am no longer built for this 'one night stand' business. i had been a fool to imagine that one night, and morning after, of kissing and laughter would turn into a long term relationship. i possibly even burned that bridge by going home with him that night. it hadn't been the first time i had gone home with someone the first night i met them, which is certainly not something to be proud of, but it was the first time i was honestly disappointed that nothing more came out of it.

unfortunately, my relationship with Muscle Man started very much the same way. minus mutual friends, plus a call the next monday.

i realize now that is not how i want to kick-off my next relationship. i don't want the physical to come before the emotional. i don't want to be dropped off the next morning, setting low expectations to ever see this person again so as not to be disappointed when they really don't call.

i want to do things the old fashion way. maybe start out as friends. then realize our mutual admiration for each other is something more powerful. and then will be a kiss. maybe just one, for now. and a call the next day. and honesty. and respect.

which, by the way, may be just what is happening with BFWII and i. sort of.

(how's that for a cliff hanger?)

voyeurism: its all the rage

everyone i know, and even a few people i don't know, but who happen to appear on my gchat friend list, have discovered g-video-chat.

my friend anne, who doesn't even have a webcam, made me video chat her, just so she could watch me: have wet hair, type in my blog, gchat, look at engagement photos for our friends brother (i'm sure she got some good facial expressions out of that one...wtf is the deal with engagement photos anyways? hey, here's a good idea! lets put ourselves in many different contrived poses that show off both the huge rock i gave you, and our undying love for each other...no, thanks.), watch tv, probably pick my nose and scratch what could be fleas out of my hair.

now i am convinced that my computer is watching me. i shield the isight camera now every time i do something i wouldn't want anyone inside my computer to see.

so really, i put electrical tape over it. permanently.

sorry friends, unless i'm getting royalties for 'hoppsters wild n' sexy webcam' at something around $1026.79/min, you're gunna have to book a flight to watch me do every day things around my apartment.

...

my older sister may be preggers.

she says she has been 'under the weather' for a few days not. its not a cold. not the flu. not strep throat.

symptoms include:

frequent urination
increased hunger
insatiable thirst
fatigue
heightened sense of smell
strong nails

sounds to me like all that 'practice' is catching up with them.

she went in today for a barrage of tests. she probably could've saved the $30 copay in favor of a pee stick from the dollar store to get the info she needs. but don't take my well-informed medical advice.

guess we'll know in a week if i am the next 'worlds best aunt' or remain 'mediocre younger sister' for another few years.

...

speaking of aunts.

i just became adopted aunt to an adorable 8 month old boxer/basenji mix. my new work/soul mate hannah rescued little Goose from foster care this weekend. i went with her. and immediately fell in love with her.

i guess the feeling was mutual. because hannah later told me that Goosey cried when she dropped me off at my apartment later.

i have also apparently found my 'dog lover' instinct. which i didn't actually know existed inside me. until i saw Goose. and Pattie.

who's Pattie? you may ask.

well, Pattie WAS the puppy-love of my life. a 15 week old long-haired chihuaha. the cutest thing i have ever laid my eyes on (and i only saw one photo of her on petfinder.com). we went to find her on saturday also. only to discover that she had already been adopted.

i am unreasonably devastated by this news. especially considering the fact that i didn't even want a puppy until wednesday. there were real live human tears when i got the news. she was supposed to be MY puppy.

i had already planned our new lives together. she would come with me to work, and sit under my desk and play at my feet during the days, and then sleep on the pillow next to me at night. it was perfect.

and yes, i was going to put her in my purse. and carry her with me everywhere. even where it isn't really appropriate to bring dogs. like the mall, restaurants, gynecological appointments, etc. (yes, i am THAT girl, i know, i'm as surprised as you are, trust me).

i am heartbroken.

my mom told me to just keep looking. i will find another puppy. but every puppy i see doesn't quite compare to Pattie. who is still tiled on my desktop wallpaper, btw.

but i didn't want A puppy. i want Pattie.

so until i do find my Pattie, Goose is getting a lot of my new puppy affection. she may have given me fleas, and i'm not even mad. new leaf, consider yourself turned over.

but what about caroline's pitt bull mix that i lived with for a year, and promptly despised as soon as she, ohhh, peed just about everywhere in my room, including on my bed? well, i still despise her.

so maybe i don't all of the sudden love all dogs. but at least i love some. a few. okay, two. and only one that i've met in real life.

its a start.

maybe i do have a soul.

maybe not.

more company-sponsored alcoholic socialization

there was a wedding shower on friday after work for a copywriter in our office. it was held at my bosses personal residence. there was a very classy spread and choice wines and beers. i filled up on mini sausages and brie. and s'mores. and spent the night trying to hold up my end of the witty banter about the struggles of finding babysitters and explaining the difference between male and female genitalia to a 4 year old with colleagues who are at a very different life stage than myself.

the more time i spend with married people with children, the more i am for sterilization and promiscuity.

also, should you find yourself invited to a similar type fete, i'll give you a tip: bring a gift of the registry, or none at all. an affordable bottle of red wine is apparently not an acceptable gift for a wedding shower, regardless of how little you know the couple (maybe you just met the husband 10 minutes before, maybe 15). but should you be a total deadbeat and bring no gift at all, odds are, no one will notice.

but let me digress for a second...seriously, is it absolutely imperative to open presents as a group at a wedding shower like its a 5 year olds birthday party? all that ooh-ing and awww-ing over gifts the bride and groom-to-be hand picked while hopped up on love and the power of having that little scanner thing in their hand (so who knows if they really do want that 'white salt pig with spoon'...wtf? btw). its quite disturbing, really. 'oooh, look, a hand mixer, wow, that will be so useful in the kitchen....or the bedroom' (wait, what?)

gift registries are only a step above gift cards, because at least you know you are getting the happy couple something they want/need/neither want or need but thought was cool at the time, so what the heck?

i despise gift cards. i have about 5 years worth of macy's gift cards my step-grandfather gives annually to all the grandchildren that have never been used. and as soon as the annual fees start piling up (betchya didn't know after your gift card reaches its first birthday the store starts taking like $2 a month back, thieves) by the time i get around to using them, there's maybe $7.25 left on a $50 card. and you never have them on you when you would want to use one, because you'd have to carry around a roledex in your purse to make sure you had all of your gift cards, loyalty cards, etc. on you at just the right time.

so anyways. i managed to drink just enough wine to keep things interesting, without doing anything embarrassing enough to have to wear a disguise to work on monday. ended up closing the party down. and falling madly in love with one of the web programmers who happens to be handsome in a 'i am the only 30 year old who can pull off a bowl cut' kind of way (trust me, its an attractive look, IF and only if you can pull it off). he also happens to be incredibly witty and charming. oh, and happily married with two small children*.

all in all, another successful work-sponsored social event.

company christmas party shenanigans...coming soon!


*don't worry, i'm no cradle robber...but the light flirtation does make things interesting...and he may have equally attractive, charming, and witty friends to set me up with instead.

live every week like its shark week

i just checked my google analytics, which i have been avoiding checking like i avoid my bank website since in both cases the numbers are always depressingly low.

something new and unusual appeared under referring sites: search engines. 'hmm', i said, 'self, what types of search terms would dig up a blog like this?' before investigating further i had myself a little brainstorm, but none of the ones i came up with could have made me as proud as the reality:

underage drinking + first-hand accounts

my mother would be so proud. and i do owe her the lions share of the credit for that one, as she played more than a supporting role in the one first-hand account of underage drinking that has made an appearance thus far.

it also seems apropo, as alcohol tends to feed some of my best material. or at least my most amusing. maybe i should post the one about the time when i locked myself, my roommate, and my next door neighbor out of our dorm rooms the first week of freshman year.

that ones a keeper. dead ringer to fuel more search engine traffic.

also, whoever searched for 'underage drinking + first-hand accounts' and stumbled on my blog was a repeat offender. whatever got them here in the first place, kept them coming back.

that's right, my blog is like crack.

either that or they accidentally clicked my link, twice. or there are two different somebodies, somewhere that are using my blog post as example numero uno why underage drinking is harmful to our health, society, and dignity.

...


i have been considering taking improv classes.

don't laugh.

actually, maybe do. isn't that the idea, afterall?


...

i have a new friend. she is a work friend. and she has more than double the boy drama i have going on at any given time. so i like her. because she makes my drama feel like not drama at all.

i also like her because she is tall.

and she is funny.

and she likes 30 rock.

we watched 4 episodes from season 1 of 30 rock on saturday night and what did i learn so far?

live every week like it's shark week

i think this is the beginning of a lasting friendship.

...

today is tuesday. and what does that mean? another 'yoga tuesday' that is going to come and go with neither yoga, nor my weekly feature on yoga.

better luck next week.

i have also gained 5-10lbs. which may be why i am avoiding yoga. putting on spandex and then staring at my swollen form bending and stretching in a mirror for an hour would be even more depressing than not going at all.

i think staying home and eating fajitas was the right decision. definitely.

and screw physical fitness. its not like i'm trying to convince anyone to want to see me naked. i'm trying to convince anyone to want to see my friends naked instead.

and on that note...

...

q: what is even more fun than going out and pulling a random one night stand for yourself at a bar*?

a: going out and pulling a random one night stand for your best friend, who hasn't be heavy petted since before digital cable. (her words, not mine).

seriously. if you keep finding yourself bored, going out night after night only to find bachelors that you wouldn't even remotely be interested in touching with a taser, let alone your bare hand, go out with a new mission. a mission of finding a taserable dude for your friend. voluntarily play wing man. it is a lot more entertaining because the consequences for you are low, and at the end of the night you can feel good because a) you no longer have to hear about your friend complain about how hopeless the singles scene is in your chosen city b) you can now start complaining again about how you haven't had sex in one full week while she is still walking funny from the weekend and c) you can go home alone and engorge your face with frozen pizzas since you don't have to worry about anyone seeing the extra poundage until at least the new year, when the good karma you have just put out in the world comes back around.

also, you can live vicariously through your chosen friend without worrying about if he is going to call, or if it is going to burn when you pee.

its a win win for everyone, really.

*not that i'd know, i've never pulled a one night stand, and if i had, it definitely wouldn't accidentally turn into a 6 month {non}relationship. i'm just saying. it probably would be fun, if i did do that sort of thing.

life: after two months

its been two months.

you still think about him. sometimes in fondness, mostly in anger, its easier. but the thoughts are fleeting. you aren't ruminating.

you are learning. you coulda woulda shoulda'd ad naudeum. and then you realized that you just didn't. and he just didn't. and it just didn't.

you have forgotten your old habits of being together. you have developed new ones. you have tried something new. picked up a new hobby, and since forgotten it. picked up another one, that stuck.

you have probably made some mistakes. trying to find meaning. validation. closure. a way back. but found none of the above.

you said not nice things. and too nice things. and you said nothing at all. you avoided some topics, beat others into the ground.

you thought you could be friends. you realized you couldn't.

you deleted phone numbers. e-mails. contact info. memories.

you have dieted. picked up a new workout regime. and have since abandoned both.

you stood on your own two feet. and you couldn't find your footing.

you questioned your career. your friends. your personality. your hairstyle. and you changed a few of the above.

you have tried someone new on for size. they did not fit.

you got too drunk.

the silence has been deafening. and welcoming. the loneliness has been a curse, and a blessing.

there has been a time for celebration and a time for sadness. and you have survived them both, alone.


there are places you avoid. and songs. and channels on tv. books. photographs.

there was a moment of weakness. and you let it pass. there was a moment of strength and you are holding on with all your might.

you shave your legs more. or less. talk to your mother more. or less. cry more. or less.

your relationship with your cell phone, your couch, and your old and new best friends are healthier.

you are a stage 5 mourner.

it is where i am

i am sure by now i have completely fallen off your radar. completely.

i am, in fact alive.

and as promised, i was too busy gallivanting around new york city to blog this weekend.

last night i was too busy doing what every person i know and do not know was doing last night. peeling my eyes at the flatscreen tv of a local bar until the future of the country is decided. ok maybe it is unreasonable to assume the entire population of this country was at a bar watching the results of the election, but i hope that it is safe to assume they were watching.

i, for one, am completely satisfied with the results of the evening, as i prefer the president of my country to have full range of motion. just a personal opinion.

as the rest of the countries democrats, and many fence riders and a fair share of disillusioned members of the grand old party are rejoicing, locally, and abroad (my sister called me from israel last night...it was oh, 730am, she had been up all night watching,) i do know one democrat that is finding the day after quite lonely.

cnn.

after being the only news channel all of us dems relied upon, nearly gluing us to you for the past 24 hours. i formally announce, oh dearest channel 34, that we are officially on. a. break. i simply cannot stomach any more of your political commentary. for now, at least.

(you have just witnessed the first time i have initiated a break, or break up, ever. i think i should do it more often. noted.)

and now, we can never talk about politics again*. your welcome.

*i do have a related story that i am saving in my back pocket, but it is not directly related to the election, just an unpleasant side effect, ok, its about politics, but clearly, i make the rules, i break the rules (refer to my 1-peat 'regular tuesday blog')
...

so about new york. well, i'm in a lot of trouble regarding new york.

the trouble?

i am in love with it.

cliche, i know. but seriously. this is trouble. mostly because returning back to my apartment in the south, it was troublingly quiet. and it will be a lot of trouble to pack up all of my belongings when i move there. as will be carrying them up my 4th floor walk up the size of my current bedroom. selling my brand new car will also be trouble, because it won't be worth the, well you get the idea, to have it in a city where i will be too scared to drive it, and won't be able to afford to park it, either.

not to mention the trouble of having to find a new job with a living wage. ok, not the trouble of, the impossibility of.

so after just a little over 48 hours, i am troubled.

seriously, i used to think that it was 'soo loud' at my new apartment. since it is in the center of the 'city' and across the street from the fire department. but that is nothing compared to the noise of a 3rd floor apartment in murray hill. and i prefer the noise. no place is lonely where you can hear a consistent buzz of other people going about their lives at the exact same moment, at a close proximity but safe distance.

i also can't imagine that you would ever get upset about being dumped ever again in a city like that. where there are fresh opportunities walking towards you down 3rd ave every few blocks. i now understand my best friend laura's new found fear of commitment that came on at the exact same time as her change in area codes. i would be afraid to commit too when an even perfecter 10 is walking this way, right now.

okay, so all of you that do now or have ever lived in new york city are all vomiting all over yourself. fair enough. i also know that some of the comments i make are not as wonderful in real life, as in my imagination (such as the strangers on the street...new york is not a city where talking to strangers is condoned, or welcome...no matter how attractive they are).

the point is. i understand all of nyc's flaws. the flaws are the reason i have shunned it until now. the reason i gave myself a million reasons why i would never ever (ever x 100) live in new york city.

what i never considered is my appreciation of ambient noise. by noise i mean sirens, car horns, gun shots, squeeking breaks, motocycle engines, spousal abuse, the neighbor upstairs that tap dances only as soon as you start to drift off to sleep.

what i never considered is wanting to move away from here. i entertained the idea briefly on a few occasions: when i hated living with my old roommates dog, when i hated my job, when the Brazillian moved to chicago (we broke up shortly after so his residence there turned into a liability rather than a bonus, it was imagining my life there as we drove around the lincoln park apartment hunting that was the draw), when i lost my job at the beginning of the summer.

but all of those occasions were purely circumstantial and i have changed the circumstances. i live alone. i am employed, and enjoy my job. and chicago is nice, but new york wins, by a mile, and a half.

so my question is, now what?

how do i decide to move? how do i decide to leave my job, my friends, my car, the majority of my personal effects, and the city that i now realize i have been completely neutral about and tolerated simply because it was where i was, not because it was where i wanted to be, if i really thought about it?

i am completely unnerved. my first temptation is to go back to shunning the city as a whole. to looking down on people who move to new york to live the dream as a cheesy cliche. to believing that i am happier with more disposable income and lower rent. and that i don't require 24 hour delivery of anything my heart could imagine. and that i don't enjoy the convenience of efficient (a relative term) public transportation.

the only time i have ever changed my place is when i moved to college, which wasn't quite so scary, because no matter what you were moving into a self contained, protected community where things like job interviews and bills do not exist. how do i decide that 'it is where i am' is simply not enough of a reason to stay where i am? how do i decide, now, to change my place? to uproot my life? to leave this comfort zone behind?

no seriously, i'm asking, how do i do it?