stark raving.

so its been 2 full weeks and 3 days since Muscle Man and i ended things and i am still on a sliding scale of over-it-ness. right now i am 1 part devastated, 2 parts raging angry, and 1 part ambivalent - which i think is at least on the path to 100% ambivalence...so i'll call it progress. there was a time when i was part looking forward to a long and mutually rewarding friendship, but that feeling of positivity towards him has since faded and been replaced by sheering anger. like, when i lay in bed at night i imagine getting physically violent if i see him again. just one good slap in the face as punctuation for my anger would do it.

i am not generally an angry person, and i certainly tried my best to peg this on me (i am seeing a therapist now, for chrissake) but i am for serious angry. for serious. maybe its just one of those natural steps of coping for a loss...but i think anger generally comes earlier in the game...before acceptance. i have accepted what happened. and now I'm mad.

he called last night. obviously i ignored it, but as soon as i saw his number on caller id (duhhh, i deleted him from my phone book immediately...ok, I never actually saved his number in there, in 6 months) i started shaking uncontrollably. it took me a lot of minutes too long to calm down. no voice mail. which made me even more angry.

for two days i have been going back and forth on whether or not i will ever answer. he has no idea how angry i am and alternately i want to just tell him i'm angry, period the end, then i want to tell him i am angry, and exactly the reasons why, and i also want to just never talk to him again (and hope i don't run into him on the street, ever). really its option a or c, because theres virtually no way that trying to explain anything to him is going to accomplish anything. I can already hear the responses ("if you were so unhappy/i was so mean/it was so horrible/you weren't getting what you needed from me, why didn't you end it then?"). yeah, i know, i should have walked away 4 months ago. i'm beating myself up enough about that...don't need to hear it from him. cool.

seriously, sometimes when your friends say, 'get out, he's no good for you, he's never going to change' - BELIEVE THEM. RUN. FAST.

any time you are compelled to say "yeah, i know, but he did this sweet thing once last week that gives me a glimmer of hope that one day in six months he will realize i'm the love of his life and want to marry me so until then I will take all of his nonsense", actually just delete his phone number, change your e-mail address, and end your friendship on facebook/myspace/linkedin/other creepy 'networking' site I may not be aware of. immediately.

so for now, i'm just mad. but i'm not letting it get in the way of getting on with it...

...in other news. i have a lunch 'date' tomorrow. i'm already bored by the idea. so yeah, going into it with a really open mind. anyone that chased me around a bar for a full night while i bold-faced lied about stealing their precious fedora hat and then calls me two weeks later and wants to go out is worthy of just a little bit of uninformed skepticism.

also, the idea of dating right now makes me want to vomit. literally.

what is.

no one can say where this is going. just lay on your back, relax your whole body, keep your mind wide open, and whatever you do, don't fall asleep.