pay no attention to the blonde behind the blog

to all one of you has been waiting on pins and needles for my big surprise, prepare to be incredibly disappointed.

i have absolutely no idea what kind of controlled substances i ingested last night (read: red wine) but there is no logical explanation as to why i thought this big idea was so big, or even an idea at all.

controlled substances would also be the only reason as to why i used up far to many multi-syllabic words ranting about something i would wake up in the morning to realize i didn't care about at all.

so anyways, here goes...and i'm sorry in advance. no, it is not cake. although if i had been thinking clearly, it may have been candy cane joe-joe's, because those, well, win (rounding the bend to box #2 of the week, and the elastic waist pants aisle at kmart).


le grande idee...

the internal monoblogger.

...

underwhelmed?

me too. even a french introduction doesn't help.

anyways, the general idea of this non-idea is for google to invent a contraption...lets call it 'googles', that you wear around all day, and it dictates your internal monoblog. so all you have to do later is just edit out the erroneous bits (like the parts were you are actually thinking about work, or talking to your grandmother about her bunions, or standing in aisle 9 of the grocery store debating between generic or brand name milk).

how did you not think of it first?

i have no idea.

this is like the trillion attempts my childhood friend and i made at inventing a candy bar dispenser for the rear view seating in her mom's volvo - crafted only out of old electronics boxes we found in her basement, and scotch tape. shockingly, we were never successful. but became very skilled at cutting through cardboard with safety scissors.

back in those days we truly believed anything we needed to accomplish could be satisfied via scotch tape. including the time when we broke her antique bed when we were jumping on it, and instead of informing an adult, we put the footstool that helped us reach the sink in the bathroom under the frame, and wrapped three rolls of scotch tape around the two pieces of the broken leg. 'yes, that should do it'.

come to think of it, maybe if we had used name brand instead of generic, it would've worked. and saved a lot of tounge lashings, together, and then again in the comfort of our own homes.

anyways. i do have a trickle of a source for my (not so) brilliant idea.

essentially, i was laying in bed, doing everything in my power not to think about Muscle Man, and had a lot of other interesting thoughts that i may have wanted to blog about. but i was bound and determined to fall asleep. so i just mentally dog-eared them for later, and squeezed my eyes shut as hard as possible and rolled over.

i do the same thing in the shower

and while i am driving in the car

all of the brilliant trains of blogs that you could've been enjoying, rather than the dribble that comes out when i actually take the time to sit down at my computer and dictate.

topics like:

• why i can't look pedestrians in the face after i almost run them over in crosswalks, and other ways i narrowly avoid killing blind people with my silent machine of death (formally known as prius)
  
• getting a widescreen monitor improved my productivity at work by 12.5%: office feng shui, myth or miracle?
  
• meatball sandwhich or trader joes frozen pizza round XXIVIIQ.3.5.01
• how the rapid decrease in marketing budgets due to the great depression II has had a negative effect on my consumption, from a marketers perspective (white paper, coming soon to a blog near you)
  
• 101 ways to use the word blog out of context
• juicy couture: neither juicy, nor couture, discuss.
• etc.

compelling and rich.

i know.

not surprisingly, the same alcohol induced amnesia that i have for names and correct spellings of words attacks my memory for good blog ideas.

when i have a good idea and i am near an electronic apparatus, i do what any other normal person would do, and write it down. just kidding, i don't write. i type a blackberry note to myself about it. holding a pencil is for the weak.

and i don't know if this is listed as a symptom on webmd under writer's block, but when i hit the 'new post' button in blogger, every good idea i had up to that point vanishes completely. and i'm sorry brain, but it is way too soon in the life of this blog to be throwing the 'writer's block' card. i'm just not buying it.

so the only logical cure (besides just manning up and dragging my ass out of bed to hammer out the thought in print) is a completely impossible contraption, is of course brought to you by google, because only google can make the completely impossible possible.

exhibit a: google texting. only google could single-handedly make the yellow pages, weathermen, calculators and dictionaries obsolete by dialing 6 numbers into any mobile phone. (standard text messaging rates do apply).

i am still waiting for the breaking headline: 'december 26, 20xx: google santa delivers christmas gifts to christian childen worldwide'

if you are ever in a bind, screw mcgyver, or that other guy with the j name that i can't recall right now. just ask yourself, 'WWGD'

so there you have it.

blog it or not, here i come...