the one in which i contradict myself and don't know what i am trying to say

so, i've got it.

the next big thing to come out of everyone's favorite verb....

masticate.

no, wait, that's only my favorite verb.

right.

everyone's favorite verb: google.

i've come up with the next big thing to come out of google.

it came to me as i was laying in bed just now trying to get my mind off the telephone conversation i had only moments before with Muscle Man (yes, we're still talking. no, i don't want to talk about it, okay, i d0).

i didn't want to spend the next few hours tossing and turning in bed scheming my way back into his life and potentially heart (assuming there's one in there, big if on that one), not at all because i think that he's at all a decent person or even someone i would care to share an armrest with one a plane, let alone date/love/etc. but mostly because i want to prove that he was completely wrong about me. realize all of the value add i bring to his life. and then reject his attempts at winning me back. totally normal, totally healthy.

i come up with some very interesting ideas between visions of my grand overture (where i demand that he 'go all in or cold turkey' and he says 'fine, all in' and then i say, 'really? because i'm just gunna go cold turkey on this one' and walk away, never to be heard of again) and then flogging myself for:

a) continuing to answer the phone when his number appears (to be fair, last time i honestly didn't recognize his number, and answered 'this is hoppster' in my most professional business voice)

b) actually caring about what is going on in his life and then thinking long and hard for way past acceptable after we hang up about whether he should set up his office in the front room or spare bedroom of his new house (the front room, much better lighting, view, and what else would he do with that room? formal salon? yeah, right.)

and c) failing once again to honor my promise to myself and every one of my friends, family memebers, casual acquaintances, strangers, etc. to completely delete him from my life.

the problem is, that it is not my nature not to care. it is my m.o. in relationships with men (boys). and now i am where i am with MM, like it, or not. he calls, verbally blogs to me about his life, and then i post comments full of witty remarks, challenges his conventions, recommendations on how to proceed, reassurance, active listening noises.

i provide a service, free of charge. and he still manages to rob me blind.

it is soul killing. mostly because MM truly thinks that he holds up his end of the contract in conversations. i know this because we have argued about it, constantly. i normally give up because he actually believes that the apporpriate response to 'i had a really bad day at work today' is 'oh really? well then you wouldn't believe the day i've had...blog...blog....blog' rather than what i would consider the obvious follow-up: 'oh really? what happened?' insert active listening here.

i have tried in many different ways to just hit delete. end call. ignore.

i have made progress. there have been more than two times when i have been compelled to call him and tell him something particularly relevant to him that i think he would find interesting, or beneficial, and i have remained silent. told myself that he no longer gets those perks out of me. i have also been compelled to e-mail him. send him random funny thoughts that pop into my head during the day like i used to (always receiving disappointing responses). but i have restrained myself. physically, at times.

but i still answer.

and express concern at the cough that has lingered for over a month. and are you getting enough fluids?

it was glorious last week when he was out of the country and i knew with 100% certainty he would not call. i was not sad about that idea at all. and truly hoped that he would never call again. so why can't i just put my foot down?

i drafted an e-mail in my blackberry when my plane landed late sunday night, and it is still in my drafts folder, itching to be sent:

every time there is turbulance i think of the person in my life that i never said i love you to enough. that person was you, for a while.

please do not respond. please do not call me anymore. that person never existed in real life the way it did in my head. and it breaks my heart every time i hear your voice and am reminded.

in my head it is so beautiful and so romantic. just hit send and that be it. my last words. perfect. exactly what i want him to know, and exactly what i want to say. the end. no backwash.

but am i ready for the consequences? can i close the book on this epic waste of valuable brain space? not to mention, my heart.

and afterall, all this avoiding thinking about him does spurn some very clever ideas.

oh right, thats what we're supposed to be discussing, instead of Muscle Man. (guess my thought process in print is exactly the same as it is in my head)

my grand idea. (insert trumpet noises here)

...to be continued*...

*or, i wasted so much of your time lamenting, once again, about MM, that i am now going to test your patience by making you wait until tomorrow (on pins and needles) for the big reveal.