just your every day average company christmas party all-nighter

answer: yes, the gift exchange with MM was a disaster. no, i do not want to talk about it.

answer: yes, everything would've gone fine had i not insisted on drinking a whole bottle of wine by myself and crying on the street corner.

answer: no, as of 1236AM EST monday, i do not regret my decision to e-mail him at 630AM and instruct him to kindly cease and desist any and all communications with me, including but not limited to, deleting my phone number.

answer: yes, i do feel much better. and my relationship with my blackberry is much healthier now that i don't secretly hope that the 'random' number flashing on the screen is is. (as healthy as a relationship with a blackberry can be, which borderlines obesity on the 'healthiness' scale, in the best case scenario)

to celebrate, i got myself all dolled up in something casual i had laying around the house (read: bought one month prior and had laying out on the floor just so i could look at it admiringly) and took myself to the company christmas party.

i hope what you imagine when i say 'company christmas party' is something equivalent to episode 5011 of the office. because it was just like that. minus the morrocan theme. and instead of the intervention at the end, there was a group hannukah dance (led by yours truly. your welcome, company). there was also lobster dip, risotto balls, and seared tuna, so just a little bit classier in the hors dourve department. we did, however, run out of vodka before 10PM (and right when i had decided to switch from white wine to the hard stuff), which i'd say is pretty office-like.

major highlighs include:

• me, forgetting my hand-made ornament for the christmas tree - a time honored company tradition - and harrassing the founder of our company all night about it, talking it up to be much much more than a paper cut-out version of kanye glasses (way to stay on a theme no one but me thinks is funny, huh?). i brought the wrong one of two identical envelopes and since the one that i brought had the new britney spears cd in it, i put that on the tree instead, as a placeholder.
  

• me, surprising everyone during the 'white elephant except presents people may actually want' (insert cheesy proper name here) gift exchange, by donning 'dreidel ears' - yes, this was the first time anyone brought hannukah to the party in a variety of ways. not the least important being my hot jewish ass, my drunk face, and the forementioned dancing. dreidel ears, for the very few of you that won't know, are like alien antennae, except with upsidedown dreidels at the ends. i also wore them to the after-party. so did the bartender. i won a set of martini glasses in the gift exchange, btw. not bad. not bad at all.

• my boss's wife getting 'shitfaced' (her words) and walking around petting people and saying either 'you're soft' or, 'you're not soft'. and then when given that 'i think you're wasted look' she would hold up her empty martini glass and say 'only one and three quarters!!!' luckily, some of her drunken debauchery was captuerd on my work voicemail when for some reason she accidently dialed my desk number from her purse. not that i would ever want to use that against her. but my boss....
  

• small talk in painful excess with BFWII's on again/off again/will not admit to being on...again friend, that is a girl. tension here is obvious since a) he and i made out b) she sucks and i don't. and she knows that he knows that i don't suck, and later in the night will proceed to flirt shamelessly with me, in front of her. in a battle of wit, and charm, and attractiveness, i win. hands down. (ifidosaysomyself. and i do). he will later complained to me about her not being able to hold her liquor, which i interpreted to mean, 'she isn't nearly as wonderful in every way, as you'.
  

• the after party. (continued below)

not only did i only knock over one beer with my high-waisted full satin skirt, but i also didn't make enough of an ass of myself to leave a permanent mark in the anals of company christmas parties past. i did, however, make myself a personality of consequence in the eyes of the company founder, which i'd say is a major accomplishment, since he only has eyes for those in our company with the title 'designer' after their name. with particular emphasis on 'incredibly talented designer' or 'undiscovered artist turned designer' or 'BFWI'. at least if my boss is too busy making me feel like an unskilled laborer to appreciate my charms, others at the party found themselves dazzled.

and now...the after party.

first of all, Caroline may never forgive me for not heading straight to her tacky christmas sweater/birthday party from the company christmas party, but i did try. i begged her friend, The Accountant, to come pick me up. and then i made my best case for why the taxi carrying myself, Hanna, and two guys from work (not either of the BFWs, new guys, well, new to this story), should take us to caroline's party. but alas, we instead, somehow, we ended up at the Sports Palace (real name), a bar that i spent many a classless night in during my college career. i went there so often, in fact, my senior year, that no one was surprised when i showed up wearing baggy sweatpants after a long night of studying.

it wasn't my idea. it was one of the guys we were with. for some reason i was not disturbed at all that he was familiar with the Sports Palace at the time. in retrospect, i am very worried that he and i may have met there in my past life as a co-ed. (i say that like i'm not too sophisticated to wear sweats to a bar. i am not.)

the decor was the same, as was the smell, but the crowd was lacking a certain something. that look of college-boy hook-up desperation, perhaps? yes, that must've been it. my costume had also changed quite a bit, seeing as i was still wearing the backless white short-sleeved angora sweater, black satin skirt, high-heeled mary janes, and dreidel ears. actually, the dreidel ears may have been the only thing that hadn't changed.

they checked our id's at the door. not that there was much fear of under-agers this time of year. Hannah thought it would be fun to play 'guess how old we are' with the bouncer first.

Hannah - guessed age: 24, real age: 27
Hoppster - guessed age: 28, real age: 23

i'm still mad.

do i really look 5 years older than i really am? if so, i need to reverse this trend immediately. or else imagine how busted i'll look at 30. damn. step 1: pretend its my 28th birthday for the rest of the night to get free shots from the bartender.

check.

by the time we got to the bar it was oh....2AM. the four of us had just enough time to drink 1 irish car bomb, 1 yager shot and 2 beers each (plus one that i spilled across the enitre table, including all over my new martini glass set, that i was making one of the boys carry after me all night) before last call at 3:30.

in the meantime there was good conversation, while i reminissced after the beep on every one of my college friends voice mails. i am told my messages went something like this 'you hear that? in the background? it's the smooth sounds of the Sports Palace. miss you, hooker'. typical.

my flight home to colorado for christmas was at 7:10 (or so i thought). which meant that i had just enough time for the cab to drop everyone off at their respective abodes, then keep the engine running while i packed the last of my necessities, throw my bag in the back and head to the airport.

to say that i played straight through would be putting it mildly. as i have no memory of a) checking in, b) purchasing a bagel in the terminal and c) going through security.

i woke up, quite confused, drooling on a army soldier's shoulder in the seat next to me. i also apparently bought some sort of egg sandwhich at the quiznos. the remnants of which were stuck in my sweater and the wrapper crumpled in my lap.

at least i had chewed and swallowed this time. last time i did something similar i woke up with large bits of carrot in my mouth. the mestication process clearly interrupted by alcohol induced unconsciousness.

it also turned out that my flight was not at 7:10 as i originally thought, but at 6:25am. i am told i arrived at the gate just as it was boarding. good thing i didn't dawdle any more to purchase food i wouldn't remember eating.

shockingly, i felt fine. i had also managed to buy myself a large bottle of water (post-security check) and drink the majority of it. so i was hydrated enough to at least get me to colorado, onto a shuttle, and up to meet my family at our condo in the mountains without being blindsided by a hangover. upon arrival at my final destination, yes i was happy to see my family, but the tears of joy were actually intended for the queen sized bed i saw calling my name. i sent everyone out to the slopes in positive 8 degree ferenheit weather, and proceeded to comatose for the next 3 hours.

all 3 of my drinking companions texted me throughout the next day to see if i a) was alive b) made it to colorado and c) enjoyed my 28th birthday celebration.

my response: barely, barely, and emmensely.

(sorry, no photos, at the airport on my way back to the dirty south and only have 27 minutes left on my battery...or before i board, whichever comes first)