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i have spent the majority of my evening making a 'goodbye' mixed tape for MM.

i had been doing so well. i exercises the 'ignore' feature on my blackberry no less than 6 times between the hours of 1 and 2 am sunday morning. i didn't really feel like catching up on current affairs at that hour. thats why he was calling, right? to discuss the latest headlines? gas prices maybe?

right?

of course i had resolved once again to put an end to this madness, starting with refusing to hit the green button saturday night, continuing with resisting ever urge i had to text him 'thanks for the booty call last night, consider me out of business for the rest of eternity', and ending with ignoring one last call tonight at approximately 703pm. that's an estimate.

so ignored it. great.

then i gave in. to be fair i had a long walk from my office down the block to the shell station where i had abandoned my car at lunchtime in hopes that they could disengage the 'maintenance required' light since they had performed said maintenance as required the week prior and none of my other friends were answering.

and he had left a message.

the first time, possibly ever.

(see, maybe if he had left a message saturday night, he would've been more successful with the penetration...i mean...)

so anyways, i called him, and whatever.

and we talked, i guess.

unfortunately, it was actually a very cordial conversation. and to say that he listened well may be a stretch, but he at least asked a few probing questions, which was a big change from interjecting with an unrelated story about how so and so is doing such and such that you don't really give a shit about, but will pretend to anyways, because you, hoppster, are a good friend. to a fault.

so i must have been so caught off guard by the fact that he was being sorta reasonably decent on the phone, and the fact that the shell station could not figure out how to turn my maintenance required light off and suggested that i take it to the dealer, that i agreed to meet him tomorrow night for a pre-holiday celebration. since i will be joining my family in a state far away from him starting saturday at 7am. and we don't hang out fridays, as a rule. also, i have my company christmas party. and the tacky christmas sweater turned caroline's birthday party.

moral of the story: if it was at all convenient, or within less than 30 miles from anywhere, i would've taken my car to the dealership in the first place. i'll just google it and get it turned off in three minutes or less myself. thanksbutnothanks.

moral of the other story: dinner tomorrow. me, staying up late to make a 'self titled' mixed tape full of songs he will never have heard of and will enjoy muchly, to prove how musically tasty i am. and how sweet and giving i am. regardless of how much of a d-bag you are to me.

just another low-point folks.

but, afterall, it isn't the new year yet, and after tomorrow i will have no more opportunities to break my resolution numero uno - really not talking to him, seriously.

so tomorrow, i will prove how charming and wonderful i still am. without being the total crass biatch i have been being. and then he will go his way, and i will go mine. me: emptyhanded. him: with an awesome new mix tape. playlist to follow.

i also turned the 'happy birthday' card i designed myself and had printed just for him and is so specific to him that i can't give it to anyone else into a 'happy christmas, and channukah, and new years' card. just trying to get rid of the little things around the house that remind me of him. a worthy exercise, i'd say.

...

the mix tape:
1. the re-arranger_mates of state
2. ur so gay_katy perry (ok, he won't enjoy this one, but i will enjoy thinking about his reaction when it comes on)
3. yea yeah_matt and kim
4. white winter hymnal_fleet foxes
5. you found me_the fray (a little wine with your cheese?)
6. circus_britney spears (it wouldn't be a mix tape without britney, no? no.)
7. inni mer syngur vitleysingur_sigur ros (that was a mouthful. thatswhatshesaid.)
8. the most beautiful girl (in the room)_flight of the conchords
9. paper planes_m.i.a.
10. pop lie_okkervil river
11. lights out_santogold
12. your new twin sized bed_death cab for cutie
13. kids_mgmt
14. the devil's tricks_lightspeed champion
15. skinny love_bon iver
16. if there's a rocket tie me to it_snow patorl
17. whatever you like_t.i. (yes.)

p.s. if anyone else would like a copy of this mix tape of all mix tapes, it could be arranged, if you ask nicely. or, if you be a dick to me for at a minimum 6 months, 9 max.

(most, though not all, songs were compiled from all songs considered year in music & listener's picks. support public radio.)
...

this week we have been celebrating the 'six nights of caroline's birthday'.

so far she has received from me the following:

night 1: a special insulated cup i stole from her apartment a month ago to fill with water and hydrate me while i drunk drove home from her house one morning.

night 2 (delivered on night 3): a box of candy cane joe joes i took the liberty of opening and eating half of in advance (to save her the added calories, of course)

night 3: a deck of 'maverick' playing cards featuring john mccain and his cronies purchased from the half off bin at borders

night 3.5: trogan ultra-thin condom that has been in my purse for no less than 6 months, and that i may have stuck a pin through for good measure. (all i want for christmas is a caroline baby)

if i could predict the future, and i can, here is what she will be getting on upcoming nights...

night 4: totally legitimately purchased copy of latest britney spears platinum album 'circus'

night 5 (her actual birthday): brand new copy of are you there vodka, it's me chelsea, by chelsea handler-the great (i added that last part, has a good ring to it, i think)

night 6 (the day after her birthday, because i can't count): advil, and plenty of it. also some tums, and maybe pepto. definitely a large bottle of gatorage or similar. if she is not deadly hungover all of saturday, i have not been doing my job as chief friend in charge.

...

i just started listening to the new snow patrol album. and i think i'm going to like this one, boys.

...

to answer the question on the top of all of your minds...

no. i was not sold into sex slavery last week. from which i escaped using only my cunning, wit, and girlish good looks. and a bobby pin and 3 inch piece of string.

i was just on a business trip. and although i really want to tell you a lot of boring details, i have been struggling with how to explain it all to you. mostly, i have been struggling with how to tell you where i was, without telling you where i was. because, if i just type it out, just like that, this blog post will inevitably end up in my bosses google alerts first thing tomorrow, and thusly, i will die/be fired/die.

but, i think i have found the solution:

pig latin.

p.s. did you know that just like google italy, google botswana, there is also a google pig latin? don't worry, it doesn't display your searches in pig latin. although it would be cooler if it did.

so, as it turns out, i was in:

inidadtay and obagotay

yes. the small, dual island nation. the one that's spitting distance from south america.

cool, huh?

yeah, sorta.

except, you know all those visions you are having right now of me holding 'meetings' with an umbrella drink in my right hand, my blackberry in my left, wearing nothing but a sundress and a large hat? well, delete them.

instead, envision me in interrogation room-like conference rooms that would be lucky to have air conditioning, not to mention a window.

so maybe i cried real tears when i returned home to 40 degree weather, what of it?

and yes, i did put my uggs on, just to go to bed. no big deal.

i am back now. but with the workload that was just dumped on us with a 16 week deadline, there is a slight to moderate possibility that they will just relocate me there for convenience.

in which case. i will be a) hiring a personal bodyguard b) never to be heard from again.

i'll keep you posted.

...

ok, snow patrol, you had me at hello...now what?