so obviously, if you have read any of my earlier posts, you've read about Muscle Man...the ex-bf of sorts.
well, the last remaining joint asset is tickets to a show tomorrow night.
i bought them reluctantly, back in july, knowing full well i would probably sitting in this exact position ('dumped'), even though it was during one of those times when things were going creepily well between us. i held on to them, and gave him his ticket for his birthday. i didn't give him both of the tickets, because by the time of his birthday, things were falling apart again (for the last time, i would soon find out, since he did 'dump' me the day after his birthday). i wasn't going to give him my ticket, since the concert had been my idea, and besides, i had introduced him to the performer, so the only reason he even wanted to go was because of me. also, i had another friend (the one who introduced me to the performer) who was going, so i figured i could just go with him instead.
well, now the show is tomorrow. and i have been stressed out about it/dreading that day, for the past month. i hadn't talked to him about it, so i called him last friday and figure out what we were going to do about custody of the tickets. he couldn't understand what the big deal was. a bunch of his friends randomly also ended up getting tickets, so he's not really worried about whether or not i go, he'll have someone to go with regardless.
well to me, its a big deal. because my options are:
a) don't go (and be depressed all night at my house, and pissed off that once again, he won)
b) go, with him
c) go, with the other friend thats going (and be worrying about running into MM all night)
when i brought it up to him he just said 'you can just give the ticket to me'. at this i nearly hung up the phone. 'no, no, i'm just kidding', he tried to reassure me. 'don't be an asshole', i snapped, 'all i want you to say is, "yeah, we should go together", afterall, we are supposed to be friends, and the only reason i bought the tickets for both of us is because you promised we'd go, even if we weren't talking by this point'. 'yeah,' he responsded, 'we should go, it will be awesome.'
reassuring.
i didn't talk to him all weekend, and got an e-mail from him yesterday, 'thursday's gunna be awesome, holler at you later.'
(and how dare you say you will call, when you know i need some peace of mind)
he called last night to discuss the plan for show day.
when i got off the phone with him, i began to have doubts again. it's not necessarily the seeing him part, its the small things, like, after the show, i would normally have slept at his house. i'm certainly planning on drinking, so assuming i'm in no shape to drive, i would have to sleep on the couch or take a cab home. either would break my heart (i just started tearing up thinking about it)
also, a lot of his guy friends that knew us when we were together, that i haven't seen since, will be there. i am already so mortified about what happened between us, that seeing them is only more mortifying. my only saving grace is that i could go, and just be wonderful and awesome and they realize independently of him how awesome i am. also, if we're going to be friends, i will have to face them eventually.
why am i putting myself through this? why am i going? can i go, and be okay? can i not go, and be okay?
well, the obvious answer is, if its stressing me out so much, just don't go. its one night, that can be filled with champagne and gray's anatmoy instead.
but there is the part of me that things, if i do go with him, and we have a great time, it could prove that we can be friends (since as of now, our 'friendship' has mostly consisted of me telling him all the things i think he's done wrong over the past six months, so obviously he's not too pumped about hanging out with me)
so, i'm torn, what should i do?
a) avoid the whole thing, make alternate plans to spend my evening with friends so i'm at least not alone - let him go with his friends
b) go, and make my best effort to just be wonderful and friendly and unattached
please vote!
(these are just ghosts that broke my heart before i met you)
6 comments:
Oh my god, girl. This is a situation that should not be a problem-- you go with your friend, he goes with his, don't drink too much, and DEFINITELY have a plan on how you're getting home. Have fun at the concert.
BUT... it kind of sounds like that is not going to happen. When you relayed the conversation you had with him, it sounded like the only answer you would have really accepted is, "I'm still in love with you, let's go to the concert together as bf/gf and you can sleep over at my house." Which he is correct to not say, since that's obviously not what he really wants and would only be stringing you along.
It sounds like he's trying (emphasis on "trying") to be mature and be a friend to you, but you aren't in a place where you're ready to accept that yet. You still want a relationship or nothing, but then you blame him for not being a friend. I'm not criticizing you, I think it's 100% normal and I've been in your exact shoes a million times (and have felt/acted the exact same way).
I think you should go to the concert if you really want to go the concert and think you'll have fun with your other friend, even if you run into MM. If you're only going to the concert because you're hoping you guys will get drunk and you'll stay over at MM's house, tear up the ticket and beg glad you did. You may shed a few tears tonight, but you'll be saving yourself mucho heartbreak in the long run.
you are so right. so so right. (and of course it shouldn't be a problem, but its so much bigger in my head)
i keep waiting for him to make a grand gesture of how important our friendship is to me in order to not feel soooo rejected by him....but that is just never going to happen. never going to happen. instead i put myself through the torture of hearing his ambivalence over and over again, just with different words.
if i do go, i'll go with the other friend. who is a great guy (no love potential), and possibly meet some other great guys (potential love connections) at the show. if i don't go, its one night out of years and years of nights that i will be infinitely happier than i ever was with him.
The second paragraph of your comment broke my heart because I have SO BEEN THERE and god that hurts SO MUCH.
But the third paragraph made me smile because you are so, so right.
the most ridiculous part...i have a date tonight...i should definitely be more worried about that than about this silly concert.
so i think i'm going to do that, instead. worry about the date.
look forward to dirty details tomorrow
hey not sure if im 2 late what happened? did you go?
not too late...the show is tonight...still stressed
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