positive, or at worst, benign

this weekend was good.

many positive or, at worst, benign things occurred:

1. i committed myself to staying in on friday night, and was perfectly satisfied with the idea of entertaining myself for an entire evening that could have been spent getting hopped up on vodka and making bad decisions. it was rainy, afterall. i even blew off IBanker, choosing to romance an old pair of sweatpants instead. i was actually making excuses as to why i needed to stay in, rather than trying desperately to go out, as usual.

okay, so after a few hours in pjs, knitting and watching the starter wife, i did end up going out, when BFWI called from a bar down the street around 10pm and begged me to come be the one girl to their four boys. a ratio i can't really say no to. BFWI and i almost won at trivial pursuit, the 80's edition, against hardcore competitors at a very antiestablishmantarianist bar, who had just finished what appeared to be their weekly game. i knew the tie breaking answer was 'iraq and iran', and should've gone with my gut, just like they preach for the SATs, but i deferred to my partner. big mistake. the soviet union and pakistan where NOT the correct answers. at the end of the night, it was both flattering and annoying when BFWI made moves on me again, try #235. which i, as tactfully as possible, rejected. (no hard feelings of course, he called the next morning because his party of four from the night before wanted a post-game recap over breakfast).

biggest regret of the night: two taco supremes and half a mexican pizza

2. i accomplished many errands on my to-do list on saturday. including the aforementioned haircut and halloween costume shopping. i spent zero percent of the time checking my phone to see whether you-know-who (MM) had called. which is what i spent many similar-type days over the last six months doing, so that i could drop everything and run to meet him, at whatever end of the earth he was at. or to just sit at his house and stare at the wall.

i got home in just enough time to change and be picked up by BFWII for an impromptu drink and dinner. our conversation meandered much as it has last time (before the korean prostitue debacle). he shared stories from high school, and his time as a bartender at swingers party, and i read him mad libs from parties past where 'foupa' was the favored noun, plural noun, and proper noun, also adjective and adverb.

after a moment of sloppy silence, my sister whispers into my foupa, 'look what you did. now we're going to have a terrible vibrator'

classic.

i enjoyed his company thoroughly and platonically , and he admired my new hairdo, out loud a few times as well as in his head (at least that's how i am going to remember it). i was back at home by 1030PM, in bed by 11.

3. sunday, i ventured where i had never been before with a butternut squash. (also previously mentioned). and spent most of the day, save for breakfast with Caroline and her mother, alone. at home. i'll admit, i was a baseline level of anxious all day, but i was mostly happy to be in an environment that is 100% controlled by me. i caught up on old shows (the girls next door, sunset tan, embarrassing), and knit 8 more rows on the blanket i just started knitting, and am wholly determined to finish. even when i decide that i hate the pattern and color scheme, in a few days. i can always give it to a relative as a gift. they are genetically obligated to love it, and display it whenever there is a chance i might stop by. i read in my bed, in a silent apartment. silence being a state i have just recently begun to tolerate. dozed off for a bit (hence why i once again couldn't sleep on a sunday night). and ignored an international call from my sister.

my level of depression this sunday? i'd say it's at a 3, doc. maybe it started and ended at a 4, but 3 is accurate for the day. especially when you consider the new lipgloss i purchased, along with drano, for my bathtub.

all in all, i am baseline OK. bordering on good. most of the time believing in the good, rather than settling for the OK.

but i have suddenly realized that i am re-afraid to cry.

there were a few things i left out from the descriptions above that did threaten my pain levels, at times. and revealed that although i feel i am at, or near, equilibrium, the balance is delicate. very. this sense of peace is still something that i am, consciously and/or subconsciously, nurturing with a great deal of effort.

if i am being honest, i am still holding on to a lot of the baggage that i, most of the time, convince myself i have left out in the cold (or cut off, from my hair). its just that maybe now, thanks to that trusty old thing called time, i am better equipped, thanks to a brief history of being just fine, to let some of that baggage (self-doubt, jealousy, pain, anger, loss) wash over me, instead of getting stuck in it's quicksand.

there is still a loneliness, but it's deep cavern has grown shallow as i have settled myself into it. and allowed it to be a pleasure, rather than a pain.

there is a jealousy, that is new, and stings, deep. deep enough to steal my breath at times. and steal my dreams, often. with the wondering, if not me, who? and not being ready to face the answer to that question yet. but knowing that i will, likely sooner, rather than later. and not knowing how to go about best equipping myself for it. if there is such a thing as being equipped, at all.

i still have moments of weakness. like right now. where i just want to call. and cry. and be weak. and not be alone. and when i want to call him out on his promise to 'be there if i need anything'. but then i hear the words that would be said on the other end. and they are all the wrong words, and there is an inevitable 'BUT' that i am no longer willing to hear. and there is the fact that, when it comes down to it, i really am, just fine. and that's all he needs to know, for now. because i will regret calling as soon as the receiver on the other end clicks in, and regret it even worse when it clicks off.

and i am stubborn. and the ball is in his court. and by ball, i don't mean drunk a drunk phone call on a thursday night trying to seduce me into his bed. or a text message of him in his speedo. how he managed to turn his desire to wear absolutely nothing but a loin cloth in public into a legitimate costume, i will continue to be disgusted (read: jealous) about. add 8 gold medals and a swim cap and call it michael phelps. (p.s. phelpsy doesn't wear speedos. if we're being historically accurate here. nor does he look like a gorilla in manties, but thats besides the point - see, jealousy, rearing its ugly head).

by the way, i had many horribly jealous and agnsty dreams regarding the halloween costume, and the costume party he was attending in said costume, last night, that also happened to be spitting distance from the bed, where i was sleeping. i was also admittedly disappointed not to receive a drunk phone call (that is very difficult to admit). but it was certainly for the best.

the truth is, i still think about him more than i would like to admit. and it still hurts when i wake up in the morning only to realize that its not a dream, and i am still not the one. and i still have tendencies and motives that are directly tied, too closely, to my very secret desire to be the one ('in time, he'll realize', i say to myself tooo often....yeah, right.) but when it drives me outside to run. or away from the m&ms, i can't say its all bad. seeing as i do have a tight-fitting halloween costume of my own to don this coming friday (although i will be mostly covered, and not bearing my midriff/breasts/upper man thigh, unlike someone else we know, cough cough.)

but i am stubborn. and right now, that is exactly what i need to be.

and i am on the path. so i just need to stay on it.

and its really not that hard. when i realize that there are other people in my life that have said more kind and sincerely wonderful things about me in the past few weeks, completely unprompted and completely motive-free, than that one person said to me, ever.

in the meantime i am happy about my new healthy relationship with my cell phone and the sound of silence.