day of atonement (or, why i love being a very hungry chosen person)

its that time of year again. the time every jewess on the planet looks forward to. the day where all you have to do is starve yourself, maybe go to temple, listen to a few long winded stories from your local rabbi that are an artful mix of current events, ancient tales, and witty quips, and you are considered to have repented and are forgiven for your sins.

its yom kippur time.

this year i imagine the speech will include elements of the following: the presidential election (jews are historically prObama), the economic crisis, the war, israel and sarah silverman. the goal of the rabbi will be to palliate the congregations fears on all of the above through the archaic, yet timeless, wisdom of the Torah, Talmud, and other important books beginning with "t".

to quote an e-mail i sent to a friend to explain the significance of the holiday in my own words:

yom kippur is like a yearly check-up at the doctor. you and your doctor look at yourself and level-set. is your cholesterol higher or lower than last year? your weight? your blood pressure? then you take a look at what you have been doing wrong - have you been eating too many burritos? have you neglected to go to the gym? stopped taking your medicine? and then you take all those things and learn from them, and then allow yourself to be forgiven of those things so that you can take what you learned and move forward, without being held back by the past.

except that instead of you and your doctor looking at the lipids in your blood, you look at your relationship with yourself, others, and your religion and you look at them as God would see them, which is obviously more honest than people tend to look at themselves on a regular basis, which tends to be more ideallic.

its really pretty basic and non-secular (besides the whole hebrew part) and beautiful. if you ask me.

i have put my jewness on the back burner for the last many years. ok, 5 years, really since i was in high school. there were services at my college, but they were a mix of all the different levels of jewishness and i always get intimidated by that. they were also solely populated by the new york/long island rejects whose parents wouldn't fly them home for the holiday.

actually, i just really had no interest. i was convinced that religion and all of its rituals had no relevance in my life at the time. now, one day back in the fold of religion, i see why i turned my back on my spirituality. religion, at least judaism, asks you to look inward. it asks you to constantly question whether you are being the best version of yourself, 'me v.infinity', or if you are stuck in an ill equipped, 'me 2.02.01', version. odds are, if the prospect of identifying where you fall on the spectrum sounds daunting, you are closer to the former. it is also a constant reminder that you are not there yet. which is bearable, if, and only if, you know that you are at least on the path.

i am on the path. finally.

and this year, there is some repenting and absolving to be done.

i want to participate for the same reason that i go to yoga, save the fortune from cookies and read medicine cards (don't laugh, please). and that reason is openness. allowing myself to be open to the signs in the world, to the communications of the universe.

i want to set aside this time for myself in a symbolic way. i want to create a new year for myself. i want to stare at all the wrongs of this year (and probably some from the past 5 years) in the face, atone, and be absolved.

i want to forgive myself for neglecting myself. i want to forgive myself for resenting and avoiding my family. and forgive my mother for her selfishness. i want to forgive myself for laziness. for neglecting my friends. for not saying enough nice things. for not saying enough true things to myself and to others.

i want to forgive myself for not saying i love you when i mean it. and not saying goodbye when i should. for not

i want to forgive myself for things i can't even mention because i have forgotten to remember them.

and i want to continue to participate. so that i don't forget to stay on the path. to be aware. awake.

i have spent the past few years trying to keep my eyes closed. trying not to remember. trying not to be present.

i want to be present. and accounted for.

i will cose as the rabbi closed services tonight:

no matter what else you do this year, never forget to repeat these four phrases as often as possible:

i love you

thank you

how are you?

what do you need?

l'shana tovah.